For a variety of reasons, the weeks leading up to my birthday are not always my fave. Every year since my teens I’ve had a tendency to get tense about it and will reel off huge lists of all the ways that I’m not thriving. I know why I do this, but so far I’ve not always been able to stop it. I try though, I try every year, and this year has been no exception.
On a black and uncomfortable day I pushed on and attempted an outfit shoot: I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing for my creativity and sanity but the result was an outfit that didn’t represent me well and some seriously uncomfortable photos. I’m not a model, I don’t have a ‘team’, a manager or a stylist. I’m just me… and I fuck it up sometimes.
In my head, this combination worked. But in person I basically threw everything at this look and ended up not feeling like myself at all. It’s the human buckaroo of outfits!
This look is not me, I realise now I was overcompensating for feeling out of sorts. The riot of colour that I usually pull off pretty well wasn’t happening… I picked out green and blue eyeshadow, purple lipstick, grey t-shirt, pink trousers (I will be featuring these beautiful trousers in an upcoming, altogether better styled outfit post in the next few days and this is one of the reasons why I have kept the pictures in black and white so as not to spoil it!)
Most of the images are like the one above, I look awkward and uncomfortable. I’m constantly distracted and readjusting my clothes. I’m grumpy as all holy hell. I’m looking at the images now and it’s clear I should have given myself a bit of a break. Very often I see ‘fake it ’til you make it’ and ‘power through, make yourself create’ type of advice knocking around online and whilst I know that works for some people, the advice I’m realising I have to take for myself is very different: IF YOU’RE NOT FEELING IT, DON’T DO IT
You don’t owe anything to anyone really, other than yourself. I knew that trying to work that day was a bad idea but I felt like I owed you all a blog post, like I owed my boyfriend the satisfaction of finally seeing me being productive, and I felt that I owed it to the brand to get their gorgeous things online and publicised.
I knew I wasn’t feeling it but I let the whole ‘fake it ’til you make it’ mantra take over. I felt like that was what was expected of me, but I realise that no one was putting any pressure on me that day other than myself.
I feel that it’s important to present both the good and the bad on my blog, and this here was a ‘bad’ day. We all have them. I’m using this experience as a bit of a learning curve: I’m shying away from the glossiness of ‘fake it ’til you make it’ from now on and making a promise to listen to myself. I’m 33 in a few days, I like to think I’m getting to know what I’m about.