CN: Mental health chat
A few weeks ago I went out and got some quick photos of this outfit. One which I felt quite nice wearing, and I wrote a straight forward little review post about it not long after. It wasn’t one of my best posts and the photos aren’t wonderful – I don’t have a camera any more (my old one broke at the beginning of the year) and I can’t afford either a replacement or any professional photography – so my partner takes my photos with my iPhone.
Anyway, I scheduled the review post for while I was away on holiday, and didn’t give it a second thought… until I came back to give it a final proof read the day before my flight. I read through what I’d written and felt kinda deflated. That review said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of value. And ever since I’ve been left wondering exactly when my blog lost it’s teeth.
There is great value in a good plus size outfit review but mine was so boring, so I deleted it and instead today I’m owning up to feeling like I’ve lost my voice a little. I have had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I’ve had nothing interesting to contribute, for a long time. I’ve been so preoccupied with my declining health, and with my feelings of isolation up here in Dundee, that I’ve lost sight of who I am, what I want, and what this blog was meant to be.
So, let’s go there: at a very basic level, what do I want?
Money. Happiness. Friendships. But not necessarily in that order. Nothing earth shattering, it’s what most people might say really. I periodically have one or two of them, but I’ve never had all three at the same time. I’m not embarrassed to admit that money is important to me, it’s been urgently and sickeningly important in the way not having enough of it always is. Ever since I fell between the cracks of ‘too ill to work’ but ‘not ill enough’ for help, money is never not on my mind. I even tried to monetise this blog for a while, which I believe is exactly when the blog lost it’s teeth, and it went terribly: my blog is a tiny fish in a big pond, pitching makes me anxious, I suck as a salesperson, and I have ALWAYS undervalued my worth.
As for friendships? I didn’t realise the true value of wonderful female friendship until well into my 20’s, by which point I had relocated so much that all my relationships – platonic or otherwise – had been long distance or half hearted (or both) for enough time that they began to fall away one by one. I now live 500 miles away from the friends I still have and I don’t know how to make new ones any more. I have absolutely no faith in myself when in conversation with people I don’t know. How crap is that? Then when you sprinkle some of my least fave symptoms of my chronic illness – vagueness and brain fog – into that hot mess… well, I’m not the world’s most appealing candidate for new bestie.
So, WHERE AM I GOING WITH ALL THIS? Well, I’m saying in the most roundabout way that I reckon it’s time to get my shit together here once and for all, and it’s time to find my voice again.
I know it’s been a while, and it might never be the same as it was before I became disabled, but I’m focusing in on two main things: I want to believe that I am someone people want to know. I want to believe that I have something to say. Somewhere in the big push to accept my body for what it is twice over – once for being fat and then again for being disabled and fat – I’ve almost neglected everything else that makes me who I am. My personality, my mental health, my self confidence all need some attention, and that’s what I intend to do.
I absolutely want this blog to be a creative outlet. A place where I mess about, try stuff out, crack bad jokes and talk about things more freely with people who get it. I’ve been through the wringer a bit of late, and I got lost, but I want to return to what it is about blogging that brought me joy in the first place. And therein possibly achieving the most abstract of my three big goals: happiness.
For my own peace of mind I’m drawing a line here and retiring the uneasy diplomat that I feel like I was becoming. Yeah, I’ll champion plus size brands if they are good eggs but I will be focusing less on brand new clothes and more on reinventing old things, finding bargains, highlighting awesome indie brands, easy DIY’s and vintage finds. That’s who I am. That’s what I’ve lost sight of.
NB: one small concession I still plan to make will be affiliate links on outfit posts because a) I like the little carousel ‘shop the look’ widget and b) who knows, maybe one day I’ll actually reach the threshold to cash out and pay to make this blog look a little nicer 😂
With all of the above in mind, here’s what my review should have said from the start: I do like this dress, but not enough to recommend it to you. It’s fine, but not great. It creases easily and gapes at the bust. Added to that, it’s from Simply Be, who suck at the moment in terms of representation. Since they have expanded their size range downwards, things have taken a murky turn. Their current advertising campaign is a mess. A quick scan of their website (accessed 16/05/17) shows that they now offer more items in a size 12 (2417) than a size 26 (2126), size 28 (1851), size 30 (1710) or size 32 (1478).
For ME and MY BRAIN and MY LIFE, I’ve decided to refocus and run this blog without a rigid schedule, for (and at) my leisure again – as a place to get creative, for the love of great outfits, to meet people and make friends, for a reason to write for pleasure. I’m excited folks, and if you’ve read this all the way to the end then I want to thank you for being there, for listening and for sticking with me; I’m not going to lose sight of things again.
Shop the Look
*This post contains affiliate links, for more information about affiliate links please check out my policy.